


Maybe (in time)

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'll update the tags as we go along, Multi, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:08:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6554041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn was gone -- that's all that was to it. Whatever Rey had hoped to build in the Resistance, it was long gone and far out of her reach.</p>
<p>That it's killing her is killing Poe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe (in time)

**Author's Note:**

> Who wants to explore emotions with me?
> 
> This is a little something to get me back on my feet. Not gonna lie, I've been going through some tough shit and keep getting bad news from my doctors, so I've not been writing as much. I'll do better, starting here.
> 
> Heads-up; I'll tag as appropriate, but I know darker stuff dealing with mortality can be super unpleasant.
> 
> Also, another heads-up and sorta disclaimer; I am vision impaired and I don't use the help of a beta. I also typically don't re-read my stuff and let the computer check for typos for me. All the mistakes are my own.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy.

The day they sent him off was the day that something inside Rey completely broke. It was beginning to grow ambiguous, the answer of whether or not her life was worth living, all barriers simply smoothing out and pointing her toward the more negative view. It had been so cruel to her from the very beginning, and if there was a time before that -- before her memory kicked in -- she didn't know of it and she didn't remember it. It was lost to simple guesses of what might have been had things gone differently.  
  
Like Finn. There was nothing left of him aside from the jacket that Poe had given him. When he'd been -- she doesn't want to think of the word, the memory of the fire and the void growing inside her from his loss with every licking flame -- Rey had suggested that it go along with him, as Poe had been as much a friend to him as she, if not more in the weeks of her absence. The jacket had become a part of him, and it didn't feel right not letting it go with him.  
  
While it had been patched back together to the best of their ability, it was still worn and scuffed and aged past its actual years. But it wasn't lost -- it was only broken in better, Poe had said, as he placed it around her shoulders. The heat of it was welcome on that rainy morning, and the smell -- god, it still smelled of him, alive, well. The sweet smile on his face, the gentle touch of his hands over hers. . . Rey swore the memories were simply too vivid.  
  
Finn had been a fleeting apparition in her life, one she knew she would eventually forget, but for so long, the image of him haunted her.

 

* * *

  
  
"Rey."  
  
She snapped awake from her trance, taking in her surroundings. The mess hall was growing more crowded, and while she hadn't noticed, the level of noise was increasing rapidly. She looked at her hands, realizing one grasped a cup and the other hovered near her full plate. That hand, after a blurring moment of motion, was suddenly covered by another.  
  
She flinched, but she didn't pull away, looking up to find Jessika staring at her with a look of -- what was that? Emotions, or the names of them at least, were still something she had to learn day by day, and what stared back at her in a slight frown and worried lip was foreign to her.  
  
"You need to eat," Jessika said cautiously. She pushed her own plate toward her. "I got you some more rolls, too."  
  
"I'm not hungry," Rey replied evenly, looking down toward their joined hands. Her skin was cooler and much to soft, but there was a small amount of comfort there in the energy that surged between them. It was nothing like touching a force sensitive -- that was electric, the current that raced between them through the skin-on-skin -- but it was comforting in some way that she could not quite place.  
  
"I really don't want to have to tell Poe," the woman murmured, and at that, Rey ripped away her hand.  
  
"You _rat_ ," Rey growled with more malice than she had intended. "It's none of his -- it's none of _your_ business."  
  
Jessika's face hardened, and she leaned forward on her elbows, locking her stare with Rey's.  
  
"It is my business if my friend is being hurt," the girl hissed, little more than a whisper. Rey gave a look of surprise. "And don't flatter yourself, precious, I'm talking about _Poe_."  
  
"Poe's my friend, too," Rey snapped, drawing attention from several passersby. "This isn't hurting him."  
  
"Well it sure as hell isn't helping him, Rey!" Jessika was standing now, her hands curled into fists on the table. "Do you think he likes seeing you like this?"  
  
"Like _what_?"  
  
"You're _awful_ , Rey," she yelled, this time stopping people in their tracks. "If you won't eat, I'll fucking _make_ you!"  
  
A surge of energy hit the woman from across the table as Rey grit her teeth, ready to take Jess there in the middle of the mess. She didn't want to, but what had gotten into the pilot? The emotions that flashed over her face were all varying, some contrasting, and Rey couldn't name half of them. She was willing to fight if it came to it, if only to bring back the normal Jess --  
  
"Just eat, Rey," a voice came from beside her, and she turned to see Snap glaring Jess down as he hovered beside Rey. "Just do it for Poe. At least a bite."  
  
Stubborn as she was, she decided if it kept the peace, it could be done.  
  
She forced two dinner rolls and a bite of some sweet fruit before pushing her tray away, standing, and leaving without a word.

 

* * *

  
  
Rey had never seen anything like it. The greens and golds of the grass and even the gray moss that crept up the rocks of the hills -- everything was alive, everything was spectacularly animated and beautiful. Water rushed off the edges of these hills, pooling at the bottom with a loud crash, sending a mist flying and hovering about the place before finally smoothing out into branches, small creeks that went about their way in numerous paths, always nearby the biggest of them. A river, it was called.  
  
They swept for the south, toward the largest body of water she'd ever seen -- unobstructed by islands like that of Ach-To, with sandy beaches in parts. The birds it attracted were noisy, but the grace with which they flew, pressing down for the water and landing with hardly a disturbance in the surface, was nothing less than mesmerizing, and Rey found she didn't mind their raucous laughter.  
  
There was a scent, warm and familiar and of earth, not sand. She filled her lungs, closing her eyes and concentrating. It was a musk that was sweet, soft to her senses. Inviting. Mentally, she opened herself to it, allowing the feelings that accompanied it to overtake her in a flood. It was an embrace, the feel of it all as it slowly whirled about her mind, lulling her into a sort of trance that she had never known before. Her hands reached out over her crossed legs, palms up, waiting for someone to take them.  
  
The slightest heat ghosted over her skin, and when Rey opened her eyes, she choked.  
  
The feeling was gone, the spell broken, and Rey didn't hold back the tears, the sadness and anger for what had been ripped away from her too soon.  
  
"Give it back," she croaked into nothingness, the land around her empty, the life of it all seeming to have faded.  
  
_"He couldn't have you anyway."_  
  
It was a phantom voice, but it was one she knew. She was on her feet, fists clenched and teeth bared, and she felt the scorching heat rise in her. It was a different energy, sinister and alluring in its own way, and it teased at the edges of her vision, spoiling the beautiful greens and blues and golds with the color of dried blood. Immediately, the air was permeated with the smell of rust, and her lip curled at it.  
  
"Show yourself!" she barked, willing herself to see through the cracks in her vision. "You took him! You murderer!"  
  
She felt and heard a soft exhale, and she screamed at him, the wind overtaking her voice and her eyes burning with the exertion of it, and beyond that, she was spent, the force leaving her barren as she fell to her knees, the sound of her quickly dying out.

  
  
She came to, jarred awake by a sharp pain in her wrists.  
  
Nostrils flared and snarling, she fought against it, her vision still tainted, still red and her eyes sore and blurred from the salt in her tears and sweat. Her energy was gone, and she was weak, but she caught whoever it was with a knee to the gut. Her assailant swore in another language before she felt herself further pushed into the ground with two knees on either side of her hips.  
  
" _Coward_!" she cried hoarsely. "Come to kill me while I sleep!"  
  
"Rey, sweetheart," they replied, and she fell still, her blood suddenly iced through. "Rey."  
  
Her vision didn't come back to her immediately, but through the thin material of her night shirt, she felt several drops of hot tears, a shuddering breath near her shoulder. He moved from atop her and to her side, releasing her hands so that they covered his face, attempting to soothe the pain behind his eyes. She couldn't see him, but she moved to him, her hands grasping for purchase on whatever part of him she could find.  
  
Immediately, Poe lifted her toward him, holding her scant weight against his chest as he squeezed her, both hands digging into her back and grounding her. She nearly wailed as the first few sobs came over her, causing her empty stomach to heave, and she buried her face in his neck. He was much quieter when he cried, but beneath the pads of her fingers that grasped for his chest, his heart stuttered and leapt into a different rhythm with every breath he took.  
  
Her vision didn't come back.  


* * *

  
The General could not stand to see Rey in such a state, and in a hushed voice, she gave her instructions to the doctor. As she left, Poe thanked her, and to his surprise, she reached out and pulled him into a hug.  
  
For the first time, Poe felt just how much the years were weighing on his hero's heart.  


* * *

  
Poe placed his things at the foot of the cot, watching quietly as Kalonia moved Rey into her bed with the assistance of two others. Apparently, a med droid would visit her periodically, and the band around her wrist would chart her vitals for the doctor to see. As Rey was settled, Kalonia checked the IV one more time, and Poe winced as she flicked the tubing, causing a muffled whimper from Rey. It couldn't have hurt her, both Poe and the doctor knew, but her time in the medbay was her first experience being fully hydrated, and her skin was sensitive, her blood cold.  
  
BB-8 whirred inside and around Poe's legs as the doctor gave her last instructions. She clasped his shoulder, casting a smile down to the droid at their feet before she and her crew took their leave.  
  
The droid circled Poe's legs once more before bee-lining toward Rey's cot. Poe followed, swearing under his breath and hoping his droid wouldn't wake Rey from what looked to be a peaceful daze.  
  
As he reached her bedside, however, Poe watched as BB-8 settled into the side of the bed, only inches away from Rey's hand. As if by instinct, she reached down, feeling the top of the unit's head and absently grinning as she reached their antenna.  
  
Poe got to his knees and followed the motions of her hand, helping to straighten out the antenna. BB-8 gave a quiet hum in response, looking to Poe before heading to the corner of the room and settling into power down.  
  
Rey slipped her hand into Poe's and smiled, her eyes still closed against even the dim light filtering through their small window. The man smiled in return, knowing she couldn't see him but sure that she could feel him, and brought her hand to his lips, gently kissing her knuckles.  
  
He had done it before in way of greeting, over-exaggerated but with that million-star smile, his dark eyes looking between Rey and -- between the two of them adoringly.  
  
But his lips were soft, and he held her hand to his cheek as he began to hum to her, a slow and gently rolling tune that she hadn't heard before but was easy to follow.  
  
It soothed her into a comfortable warmth and a kinder darkness overtook her in sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Jessika is a bitch in this chapter. Sort of. Relatively, I reckon.
> 
> You can always message me here, or if you're okay with multishipping and reylo, you can go to my tumblr, overthegarbagechute.tumblr.com


End file.
